Literary Candy Land

This weekend, I'm going to BEA (Book Expo America -- to quote Jay Asher, it's a "literary candy store"). I've never been before. It's in the Javits Center in NYC. I'm told its huge. And scary. I'm a little nervous. Okay, a lot nervous.

When I'm nervous, I tend to have really vivid dreams, often either involving dragons (which is fun) or having to pee but there's no bathroom in sight (not so fun). The other night, I dreamed about going to BEA.

In my dream, I had to take a submarine to BEA. It left from Ace Hardware (because Ace Hardware has absolutely everything, including, apparently, a submarine dock). The sub was manned by the cast of "The Hunt for Red October." Or at least the Russian crewmen. Minus Sean Connery. Pity. The crew did speak in Russian, but there were subtitles so it was okay. Yes, my dream had subtitles.


Anyway, I took this Russian nuclear sub to BEA. It surfaced in the middle of an aisle of booths filled with books. I climbed out of the sub and happily headed toward the booths. I'd been told there were lots of free books at BEA, and I wanted to snag some. But when I approached the stack of books (which seemed to grow taller and taller as I walked closer), a bookseller jumped in front of it with his arms spread wide and said, "No! These are not for you! You can only have jelly beans." And he pointed at a giant vat of jelly beans, in which many other authors were frolicking (imagine those playpens full of balls that they have at Chuck E. Cheese).


So I climbed into the vat of jelly beans, which had by this time turned into Tribbles (from Star Trek). And then I was very sad because all I could do was eat jelly-Tribbles and watch the submarine crew gleefully scoop up all the books.

I don't think BEA will be like that. I hope. I'll post a trip report when I return and let you know. Wish me luck and no jelly beans!

For those of you attending BEA: I will be at the Children's Book & Author Breakfast on Friday morning, as well as the ABC (Association of Booksellers for Children) Evening with Children's Booksellers Auction and Dinner on Friday evening at the Copacabana. (Everyone, sing: "At the Copa... Copacabana...") For the rest of the weekend, I'll probably be wandering around the exhibit hall, most likely forcing INTO THE WILD bookmarks on everyone I meet. If you see me, please come say hi!

Kirkus Thinks I'm Deep

INTO THE WILD got its Kirkus review today. For those not in the biz, Kirkus is one of the big trade journals that does book reviews. (Learn more about this here.) Twice a month they publish reviews of forthcoming books. And Kirkus is notorious for giving harsh reviews. The first two sentences of each is available for free on the Kirkus website, but you need a subscription to read the rest. $37.50 per month! And that's just for online access.

Well, tonight I found my name in the list of reviews. I stared at the first two sentences. They gave no indication of whether the review was good or bad. I stared some more. I realized that I could ask my editor or agent to find out what it said. On Monday! No, that's Memorial Day. On Tuesday! I began to go insane. And then, I did it. I plunked down $37.50 for a month's subscription. This made me feel kinda stupid. (But hey, if I skip lunch for the next few days I'll be even in no time. Right?) And then I was able to read my review. And now I'm much happier.

From the June 1 issue of Kirkus:

"Imagining something called "The Wild," which might eat your shoes while living under your bed, might be easier for a 12-year-old than an adult. But The Wild doesn't stay under Julie's bed for long, and its identity emerges quickly for all readers. Once unleashed, it threatens to take over the entire community where fairy-tale characters live peaceful, ordinary lives in suburban Massachusetts. Set free by someone making a wish at the "Wishing Well Motel," it now re-launches the characters into their stories. Julie, however, blames herself for setting the fairy-tale cycle in motion: She has wished that her mother not be her mother. She's tired of being odd without knowing why, of entertaining the seven dwarves for dinner, of being picked up by Cindy in her orange Subaru and hanging out in the hair salon her mother, Zel, operates. Zel enters The Wild immediately to free the fairy-tale characters and stop its progression. Julie enters it to save her mother—and to learn her true identity and about the absent father she longs for. Deeper than most rewritten fairy tales, this existential story is chunked with big ideas about the fairy-tale genre, yet the story is lightened with touches that will connect with its audience. (Fiction. 10-14)"

I'm deep. :) I like that.

Oh, before I forget. Could someone please remind me to cancel my subscription within the next 29 days? Otherwise I could be paying $37.50 a month for a looooong time...

Best Birthday Present Ever

12:00am: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear me, happy birthday to me! I am now 33 years old (which is, my husband points out, a third of the way to 99). I think that's a lovely number. It's so symmetrical. And it is the year in which my dream will come true... in a little less than one month, INTO THE WILD hits the shelves! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

12:30am: As my first birthday present, we are going to sleep before 2am. It's been a long, long time since I've gone to sleep before 2am. We always have way more to do (emails to send, chapters to revise, errands to run, work to do, laundry to ignore, etc.) that can fit into a normal waking day. I have never been so busy in my entire life. Never.

8:00am: It's my birthday morning! Yay! My husband gave me one of my book jackets, framed. I cannot begin to describe the awesomeness that is my husband. Check it out:

Gift from Husband

8:30am: Still staring at the framed book jacket.

8:44am: It's soooooo pretty. The silver frame matches the shiny silver stripe.

8:53am: I like shiny.

8:54am to 11:45am: Incessant checking of emails (otherwise known as "my day job").

11:45am: Husband calls to invite me to lunch. I agree to leave home in two minutes. Suddenly have brainstorm for how to fix a fussy paragraph in chapter fourteen of Super Secret Book Two (not its real title). Type out the new paragraph, put on my shoes, check my email again, tell my day job that I'm going out to lunch, fix a sentence in chapter eight, and head out the door.

11:47am: Drive to lunch.

12:00pm: Cheesesteaks are greasy.

12:30pm: 33-year-olds shouldn't eat cheesesteaks.

12:35pm: 33-year-olds REALLY shouldn't eat cheesesteaks.

1:00pm: Swing by super-special comfy shoe store to look for super-special comfy shoes to wear at Book Expo America. (My publisher is sending me to BEA next week -- yay! Since it's my first time at BEA, I've been asking everyone I've met what to expect and how to make the most of it. They all say, "Wear comfortable shoes." And then they get this really serious expression on their face, take a deep breath, and say, "And bring a big bag. No, I mean a BIG bag. There are FREE BOOKS there. Bring a BIG BAG." Anyway, I think I'm going to bring my Class of 2k7 tote bag, but I don't know about the shoes.)

1:07pm: Found the perfect shoes! (This is a rather big deal for me. I am a horrible shoe shopper. I own one pair of sneakers, one pair of boots, one pair of black shoes, and one pair of white shoes that I wore at my wedding nine years ago.)

1:10pm: Discover they don't have my size. Leave in sadness.

1:20pm: Return home. As I'm walking in my front door, the FedEx truck pulls up. He (the FedEx guy, not the truck itself) is holding a book-sized package. It's addressed to me. The return address is Razorbill. MY BOOK IS INSIDE. The very first hardcover copy of INTO THE WILD that I will ever see is inside this package. I know it is. I can feel it. I can practically smell it. I won't try to taste it because that would be weird.

1:21pm: Place package with book on chair. Step away slowly.

1:23pm: Resume checking email. Why haven't any of my MySpace friends wished me a happy birthday? Don't they love me? I thought we had such deep, meaningful relationships. I'm crushed.

1:24pm: I think the package is looking at me... It's whispering, "Open me, open me, open me!" But I won't. I'm waiting for my husband to come home at 6pm. I can wait until 6pm.

It whispers, "Open me!"

1:33pm: Discover site selling the perfect shoes online. Order them. Huzzah! Internet victory!

1:34pm: Is it 6pm yet?

5:16pm: I'm being very, very strong. I hope husband appreciates my self-restraint. Package is still whispering seductively.

5:17pm: Almost 6pm. I can't believe my actual, real, live (okay, maybe not live, but real) book is sitting right over there in that envelope. At least I think it's my book. What if it's not? What if they accidentally sent someone else's book? What if it's someone else's book dressed up as my book?

5:20pm: If I had the sun set in chapter thirteen, shouldn't it be darker in chapter fourteen? Must fix. Also, what's the past tense of "weave"? Is it "wove" or "weaved"? What if something went horribly wrong after copyedits and all punctuation has been changed to question marks? What if every instance of the letter "a" has been changed to letter "e"?

5:58pm: Almost 6pm!!!

6:00pm: I hear the key in the door! Wow, he's punctual.

6:03pm: Open package.

Okay, I thought my morning present was my bestest present ever. But this... this is the bestest of all bestests. (Yes, "bestest" is a perfectly cromulent word.) Look! Just look!

My very first finished copy of INTO THE WILD!

6:10pm: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's real, it's real, it's really really real!

Love at first sight!

6:23pm: Snoopy Dance of Joy!!!!!

Ooh, and the coolest part: the book itself is PURPLE. How awesome is that. And if you remove the cover... Most people will probably never see this because most people don't remove the covers of books, but if you do... I squealed. I totally squealed. Boots is on the spine! So cool!!! And he and the writing on the spine are a shiny silver. Shiny! Silver! Boots with his boots and spurs!

Secret Kitty!

11:00pm: I reminisce. Last year for my birthday (well, the day before), I got The Call from my agent, the first offer to publish INTO THE WILD. This year for my birthday, I am holding the actual book. Wow.

11:13pm: How will next year's birthday ever measure up? Clearly, if this trend continues, next year I'm getting a unicorn. Better start working on that stable...

11:29pm: Or maybe all my good birthday karma is used up now. Yep, next year I'm getting a zombie. Better start working on that moat...

Dreaming of My Pub Date

I think I may be a little anxious about my upcoming release date.

Last night, I dreamed that it was June 21 (the pub date for INTO THE WILD, exactly one month from today!). My family and I were celebrating at home with a box of my books. We took a book out, admired it, and smiled happily at each other.

And then the zombies came.


Their skin was blue-green, and they had bits of kelp-like goo dripping off their bodies. Moaning, they shambled up the street.

We didn't panic. We knew just what to do. We took out machetes and ran to the backyard, where we chopped down brambles. We set the brambles up in an impenetrable barrier in front of our house (taking care not to block the fire hydrant). Once the barrier was in place, we fetched shovels, dug a moat around the house, and filled it with alligators. We then went back inside, boarded up all the windows, made ourselves some baked beans*, and again took out a copy of my book to admire.

* In every apocalyptic novel I've ever read, the characters always eat baked beans. I don't know why. We've never actually made baked beans. We don't even own any cans of baked beans. For the record, we also don't own any alligators.

Anyone want to analyze my dream?

On an unrelated note... (okay, maybe really loosely related since Holly was involved in the great zombies versus unicorns debate), this Sunday I attended a reading by Holly Black, Cassandra Clare, Lisa Ann Sandell, and Ysabeau Wilce at fabulous Books of Wonder in NYC. Enjoyed all four excerpts immensely. (Also enjoyed daydreaming about my reading there on June 23!) Had fun talking with Peter Glassman, Barry Goldblatt, and others while the four authors signed about a bajillion books. Afterwards, I joined Holly, Cassie, Theo, and others for a late lunch in a nearby park. Note to self: if weather report says "scattered thunderstorms," bring an umbrella. Or don't eat outside...

Once Upon an Interview: Greg Fishbone

Welcome to the second installment of Once Upon an Interview! (This is a new recurring segment on Sarah's Journal in which I ask other writers about my favorite obsession: fairy tales.)

Today's author interview is with Greg Fishbone. Greg is the author of THE PENGUINS OF DOOM (FROM THE DESK OF SEPTINA NASH), coming from Blooming Tree Press on 7/7/07. (How much do I love that title?)

ONCE UPON AN INTERVIEW WITH GREG FISHBONE:

What is your favorite fairy tale?

There's a story called "The Magic Fishbone" that's kind of obscure but it has such a cool name! A version written by Charles Dickens has been passed down in our family for generations. I always thought it would make such a great Disney movie...

Do you (either consciously or subconsciously) use fairy-tale themes or motifs in your writing?
Not so much recently but I have in the past. I once wrote this rockin' sci-fi version of Sleeping Beauty with aliens and spaceships and everything.

If the protagonist of your most recent novel met Cinderella’s fairy godmother, what would he or she do/say?

Septina Nash has her own kind of magic, so meeting a fairy godmother wouldn't phase her. I could see her asking what courses she should take to become a fairy godmother herself someday.

What would your protagonist do/say if he or she met Little Red Riding Hood's wolf?

If Septina ever had to deliver a basket of goodies to her grandmother, a Big Bad Wolf would show up to stop her. Guaranteed. As to what happens next, your guess is as good as mine.

What would you do/say if you met a fairy godmother or talking wolf?

"Of course I'll autograph your copies of THE PENGUINS OF DOOM. Just get in line behind the Jolly Green Giant, Elvis, the Trix Rabbit, and Chewbacca!"

If you could be any fairy-tale character, which one would you want to be?

It'd be cool to be Aladdin, with that flying carpet and genie-infested lamp.

What does your (or your protagonist's) happily-ever-after look like?

I think "happily-ever-after" is shorthand for "nothing interesting ever happened to these people again" and that's not for me. I need new challenges and adventures, and I think Septina would as well. In fact I know she would, since she's been bugging me to write a sequel.

----------

Greg Fishbone is the founder and president of the Class of 2k7. He's also a lawyer, a Bostonian, and a great guy. For more about Greg, please visit his website at: www.gfishbone.com

For more about THE PENGUINS OF DOOM, you can visit the Septina Nash website here: www.septinanash.com. To whet your appetite, here's what it says on the Amazon book page: "Dear Reader, In order to make this book I had to escape from a mad scientist, adopt a trio of wild penguins, become an Olympic freestyle skateboarder, collect a whole bunch of empty yogurt containers, and find my missing tripletsister. In order to enjoy it, all you have to do is read every page. Thanks for doing your part! Sincerely, Septina Nash, Main Character."

Thanks so much for joining us here, Greg!

Better Homes & Gardens

I am not exactly an exemplary homemaker or gardener. Our house has dust bunnies that have been here so long that they've developed personalities. (See that snarl under the TV? That's Rupert. And the tumbleweed under the china cabinet is Gertrude.) Areas of my dining room actually crunch when you walk through them in shoes. I know better than to walk through my house barefoot. As for my "garden"... If you want to see the Wild, all you have to do is look out our back window. About fifteen feet back, the lawn (and by "lawn," I mean the variety of weeds that we keep mowed to approximately lawn height) ends in a hill that is covered in brambles and grape leaves and ivy and shrubs. We were living here for three months before we discovered that there was actually a set of stairs with white railings leading up our hill. You couldn't see it until fall when the leaves began to die.

In other words, I am not exactly "Better Homes & Gardens" material.

My mother can attest to this. She had the most amazing gardens when I was growing up. She had a hillside of flowers and flowering bushes, a strawberry patch, a pumpkin patch, rows of daffodils by the front stone wall, a border of herbs, a side border of peonies and tulips, plus a vegetable garden twice the size of my first apartment. I was zero help with all this gorgeousness. Worms freaked me out, and I hated to have dirty hands. So I think my mom is going to really laugh when she hears this:

I'm in the June 2007 issue of Better Homes & Gardens magazine!

Yep, seriously, I am! My mother-in-law discovered me on page 186 in the "Living: Summer Fun" section. Under "Get a Beach Book," it says:

"Keep the kids entertained with two modern fantasies: Troll Bridge, by Jane Yolen and Adam Stemple, and Into the Wild, by Sarah Beth Durst."

OMG, That's Me!

How cool is that?!?

For one thing, I'm listed right alongside Jane Yolen, Goddess of Children's Literature. For another... no one who has ever seen my backyard is going to believe this! To give you some context on the article, here's a picture of the whole page. Click to see it full size.

Popsicles, Inner Tubes, and Into the Wild

Random, huh? For summer fun, BH&G recommends popsicles, inner tubes, and INTO THE WILD! Hey, why not try all three together? Popsicle in one hand, my book in the other, floating in the pool on an inner tube... Sounds good to me! If I get a spare minute this summer, that's totally how I'm going to spend it.

As soon as I mentioned Better Homes & Gardens, my husband started humming this song from Little Shop of Horrors that talks about BH&G: "Somewhere That's Green." It's the one where Audrey is dreaming about her perfect life in the suburbs, right out of BH&G magazine. It's somewhat beyond description. But thanks to the power of the internets, there's no need for me to describe it, you can watch it yourself: [If the YouTube video doesn't appear below, you can watch it by clicking here.]



Mwah ha ha, now you've all got that song stuck in your head just like I do!

Interview by Miss Erin

I was recently interviewed by Miss Erin, kidlit blogger extraordinaire, and she just posted the interview on her blog. Click here to read the interview, in which I lavish praise on my wonderful agent, describe my Frankenstein-esque approach to writing, and reveal why I find Snow White to be rather disturbing...

Princeton Teen Book Bash (trip report)

Tips for authors at a multi-author event, such as the Princeton Teen Book Bash:

1) If the event is held south of you, do NOT get on a highway marked "north". (In my defense, the route from where I live on Long Island to the Princeton Public Library does involve one brief stretch of northbound highway. However, I did learn on Saturday that it is important to select the correct brief stretch of northbound highway.)

2) If you decide to decorate a 6-foot table with strings of fake vines because they tie thematically to your book (in which central Massachusetts is overtaken by a massive vegetative growth that happens to be the essence of fairy tales), two strings of vines are sufficient. Otherwise, people will need machetes to reach your table.

No machete required

Bonus note: If you leave the excess vines at home and decide to store them in a seldom-used playpen, this will confuse the cat.

4) Bring tape. Or safety pins. Or both. (Wind is no friend of your marketing materials...) In a pinch, steal another author's tape. If she spots you, offer candy.

5) Bring a lot of candy. A LOT of candy. (My husband bought four giant bags for me to bring. Way overkill, I thought. I came home with three Hershey's Kisses and two miniature Mr. Goodbars. Free candy + five hours = empty candy bowl. No, I didn't eat it all myself, but I did see Maureen Johnson's Free Monkey sneak a few Smarties.)

6) Wireless mics are cool. So cool that it's worth it to use the mic, even though you know that that means they're recording your voice for a podcast and that your voice when recorded sounds like Minnie Mouse when she was four years old. (I can't begin to tell you how many telemarketers call and ask me, "Can I talk to your mommy?" I never know how to respond. I start to say, "I'm sorry, but she's not here right now," but then I think it's not safe to admit to a stranger over the phone that my mommy isn't home, so I just sputter inarticulately for a while until they either figure it out or go away.)

Anyway, on with the trip report... This past Saturday, I was a guest author at the Princeton Teen Book Bash at the Princeton Public Library in New Jersey. In addition to learning the above useful tips for future events, I had an awesome time. Here's a recap of my day:

Woke early. Really early. Sat up in bed and told myself that I had five minutes until the snooze ran out and the alarm blared. Two minutes later, the alarm blared. Kicked husband. Apologized. Tried to explain why I should have had three more minutes, since two plus three equals five and I was supposed to have five. Husband didn't see what this had to do with my kicking him.

Fast forward a bit... On the drive to Princeton, I listened to the audio book of Circle of Magic: Sandry's Book by Tamora Pierce, recorded by Bruce Coville's company Full Cast Audio. I'd never listened to an audio book before. I didn't think I'd have the patience for audio books, since I'm normally a speed-reader, i.e. I kind of skip over any paragraph longer than a couple sentences (attention span of a goldfish). But it was really excellent. The author narrates, and different actors do all the different voices. Highly recommended.

Anyway, I arrived at Princeton on time, despite a slight north/south issue (see tip #1 above). The librarians and an army of volunteers (all uniformed in matching "Book Bash" T-shirts) were setting up. The organizer of the event, Allison Santos, recognized me, which surprised me, though in retrospect it shouldn't have since she had my author photo and I have... well, the nicest way to phrase it is that I have "memorable" hair. She and her team did an AMAZING job organizing the event. They thought of every detail, even going so far as to arrange for perfect weather (70 and sunny with a light breeze -- see tip #4 for what to do about light breezes). Seriously, they were fantastic.

I popped over into Princeton to say hello to the campus. (I'm an alum so this was a bit of a homecoming for me.) I made a special point to walk in and out of the main gate. (This is me being a rebel. It's a Princeton superstition that if you walk out the front gate before you graduate, you won't graduate. So while at Princeton, most of us wouldn't even walk in the gate for fear that we might stumble and fall backwards out the gate and then be carried away from Princeton by winged monkeys never to return.)

Into the Wild is all the rage amongst inanimate ivy league mascots...

Then I returned to set up my booth and prepare for my reading. My stepbrother (a current Princeton student) came to cheer me on, which was super-nice of him, especially considering it was House Parties weekend at Princeton. (House Parties weekend involves a semi-formal dance, a formal dance, a massive barbecue called "lawn parties," and not a whole lot of sleep.) It was very cool to have him in the audience for my reading.

When it was my turn to read, I did my rendition of chapter ten of INTO THE WILD. I love doing these things. So much fun. The readings were recorded for podcast, so you'll be able to hear it soon (I think) on the Princeton Library website. I'll post the link once I know it's up. I can't promise that I won't sound like Minnie Mouse, though.

For the next four hours, I talked to people. And ate candy. And talked to more people. And ate more candy. Got to chat with some authors that I'd met before but had never seen outside of a bar in New York, such as Daniel Ehrenhaft, Maureen Johnson, Melissa Kantor, E. Lockhart, and Leslie Margolis. (Dan pointed out that I've actually seen him in two bars in New York, which I don't think really disproves my theory that YA authors spend a lot of time in New York bars.) Also, I met several other authors for the first time, including Eireann Corrigan, Robin Friedman, Thu-Huong Ha, Jennifer Anne Kogler, Bob Krech, Wendy Mass, Megan McCafferty, Patricia McCormick, Ned Vizzini, T.K. Welsh, and Marie Lamba (whose family all wore matching T-shirts with her book cover on them -- so cute!). Plus Liza, an editor from Penguin who was standing in for Emily Franklin.

Wendy Mass, Me, and Maureen Johnson

Also got to watch a girl pick up one of my galleys, read the book description, and then turn to her parents and say, "Ooh, this looks so cool! I want this book!" And later a woman came by and said, "I just pre-ordered two copies!" And... I know this is going to sound dorky, especially to any jaded professionals reading this, but it was all so very cool that I nearly cried.

Princeton Teen Book Bash

"Going back, going back, going back to Nassau Hall! Going back, going back, to the best damn place of all!" -- Princeton U fight song

Yes, this Saturday, I am returning to the town of my alma mater to be one of the guest authors at the Princeton Teen Book Bash. I can't wait!

Here's the key info:

Princeton Teen Book Bash
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Noon - 5:00 p.m. in the library plaza
at Princeton Public Library
65 Witherspoon Street, Princeton, NJ

It looks like it's going to be an awesome event. The organizers have arranged for a whole slew of authors to come, read, and sign books, and there will also be live entertainment (DJs, singers, maybe even jugglers) throughout the afternoon.

The authors who will be appearing are: Eireanne Corrigan, Sarah Beth Durst (hey, that's me!), Daniel Ehrenhaft, Emily Franklin, E.R. Frank, Mariah Fredericks, Robin Friedman, K.L. Going, Thu-Huong Ha, Mary Hogan, Maureen Johnson (with Free Monkey?), Melissa Kanter, Robert Krech, Marie Lamba, E. Lockhart, David Lubar, Carolyn MacCullough, Leslie Margolis, Wendy Mass, Megan McCafferty, Patricia McCormick, Blake Nelson, Ann Rinaldi, Kieran Scott, Ned Vizzini, T.K. Welsh, and Maryrose Wood.

Readings will be held inside, in the library's Community Room. Each author is reading for ten minutes. My reading is at 12:20 p.m.

When we're not reading, all the authors will be signing books at tables under the tent in the library plaza. Since copies of my book won't be available until June, I'll be signing lovely, shiny bookmarks. Or more likely, just sitting there, smiling a lot, and singing Princeton songs under my breath.

If you're in the area on Saturday, please stop by and say hi!

Brotherhood Pig.0 - Bricks

Today marks the third and final day of my favor to the Three Little Pigs (or as they've started calling themselves, the TLP Posse). As loyal readers know, I've agreed to let this porcine trio take over my blog for the past few days so they can present their homage to John Green and Hank Green's Brotherhood 2.0. We've already heard from Straw and Sticks. Today, it's their brother Bricks's turn.

Three Brothers, One Blog
3 Days of Text-Full Communication
It's a whole new kind of brotherhood.
Brotherhood Pig.0

Good morning, Sticks. Good morning, Straw. It's Wednesday, May 2. Sticks, I saw your post about your fungus "perfume." Really, sometimes I do understand why we pigs have reputations as filthy animals. Sticks old boy, might I suggest a nice cleansing swim in my pool? Or a soak in my jacuzzi?

The jacuzzi had been out of commision for a while. But I thought of a brilliant solution while waiting for my new hot water heater to arrive. Use the fireplace! I have this lovely marble fireplace that has been merely decorative for years. So I thought to myself, Bricks you scallywag, why not light a nice blazing fire in your fireplace and heat up water in a large pot?

It's a brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. It serves multiple purposes: it will heat my jacuzzi, it will create a nice fireside ambiance for the visiting sows, and it will ward off that awful chill from the wind that keeps huffing and puffing outside.

Why don't you two come visit tomorrow? I've invited some of the lady pork-fighters over, and while I'm one charming pig, sometimes there's just not enough of me to go around.

Hmmm... The wind's finally died down. And there's a lovely lupine aroma coming from the fireplace. Perhaps one of the sows is making me a stew. Must investigate.

Straw, Sticks, it's been a pleasure talking to you. Hope to see you tomorrow. Mmmm... This stew is made of awesome, if a bit gamey.

Brotherhood Pig.0 - Sticks

As those of you who read yesterday's blog know, as a favor to some of my fairy-tale character friends, I've turned this blog over to a certain porcine trio for a few days, so they can present their homage to John Green and Hank Green's Brotherhood 2.0. Yesterday we heard from Straw. Today, his brother Sticks...

Three Brothers, One Blog
3 Days of Text-Full Communication
It's a whole new kind of brotherhood.
Brotherhood Pig.0

Good Morning, Straw. Good Morning, Bricks. It's Tuesday, May 1. Recently, it came to my attention that everything is funnier if you add the phrase "in your snout" to the end of it. Think about it: "Charlotte's Web in Your Snout," "Green Acres in Your Snout," and my personal favorite "Babe in Your Snout."

There's just something inherently funny about snouts.

Especially yours, Bricks.

Did you know that only girl-pigs can sniff out truffles with their snouts? Apparently, truffles smell like boy-pigs. Girl-pigs go nuts for the scent, track it all over the forest, and then dig up a mushroom. Must be rather disappointing.

Anyway, this has led me to the following thought: if mushrooms attract the ladies, then all I need to do to find a girlfriend is smear myself with fungus. Luckily, there's a lot of fungus here, due to the fact that my stick house has partially molded.

I'm also in the middle of a rather nasty termite problem. Those buggers are eating me out of house and home. If this gets much worse, I'm going to have to seriously think about moving. Maybe someplace where even termites won't tread, like Indianapolis...

There is a side benefit to the shoddy craftsmanship of my humble abode: the mold only grows on the north side of the house, so it's like always having a compass handy. The termites and I know at a glance which way the wind is blowing.

Speaking of wind, are we having some kind of Noreaster? This place just got a whole lot draftier...

Straw, Bricks, I'll see you tomorrow. In your snout.