Guest Blogger: Cinderella

Those of you who enjoyed our visit from Goldilocks, a couple weeks back, will be happy to know that we have another guest blogger in the "studio" with us today: Cindy, one of the supporting characters from INTO THE WILD and the title character from the fairy tale "Cinderella." Thanks so much for joining us, Cindy. It's a pleasure to have you here on Sarah's Journal.

CINDY: Thanks, Sarah. Um, you did clear this with Zel, right? It's okay that we do this?

SARAH: Absolutely. Rapunzel will be appearing here herself at a later date.

CINDY: Okay, I guess that's okay. Do I look all right?

SARAH: It's a blog. No one can see you.

CINDY: The taffeta isn't too much?

SARAH: How could taffeta ever be too much?

CINDY: True! You so should have seen some of the looks I got on my way here. I swear, like, every guy who saw me had to take a second look.

SARAH: I'm sure they did.

CINDY: You're so funny! Goldie said you didn't have a sense of humor. She said... Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you that.

SARAH: Tell me what?

CINDY: It's a secret.

SARAH: My lips are sealed.

CINDY: Well, so long as you aren't going to tell... She lied to you. She told you a fake story. I know you believed her, but she didn't really watch "American Idol" with the three bears. I know she wouldn't want me telling you this, but they actually ran her off. When they found her in Baby Bear's bed, they chased her into the forest.

SARAH: I'd heard something like that.

CINDY: Frankly, I think it's appalling. They didn't call 9-1-1. They didn't tell anyone. They chased her away. She was a little girl, alone in the woods. She could have died, and they didn't care. At least my stepmother and stepsisters didn't turn me out of the house. I had a home.

SARAH: Not a very nice home.

CINDY: Well, yeah. But that was a long time ago. Things are different now. Last year, I even hired someone to clean my house.

SARAH: That must have been a nice change of pace for you.

CINDY: True. But I had to fire her. She was scared of my birds.

SARAH: You have scary birds?

CINDY: Well, not exactly, but you see, she tried to put on a pair of my shoes... which is, ick, by the way. What if she had athlete's foot? Or even just odor? What was she doing putting on my shoes? Anyway, the birds went a little nuts about it. She threatened to call animal control. It wasn't pretty. Can we talk about something else?

SARAH: Can you tell our readers about your fairy tale in your own words?

CINDY: Oh, there's not much to say. It's just your average Cinderella-story.

SARAH: Okay then... I guess that does sum it up. Well, thanks for joining us. I hope you'll come back again.

CINDY: Of course, darling. Tootles!

Guest Blogger: Goldilocks

I'd like to introduce today's guest blogger: Goldie, one of the minor characters from INTO THE WILD, best known for her role in the well-known fairy tale "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." She's joining us today from her home in Northboro, Massachusetts. Welcome, Goldie!

GOLDIE: Minor? Minor!?! Of all the... Is this mic on? Can you hear me? Hello? La-la-la-la-la, me-me-me-me-me!

SARAH: We can hear you, Goldie. I'm transcribing your words as you speak.

GOLDIE: Oh. Splendid. Hello, my beautiful public! Kisses to you all! I'm... Are you sure there's anyone out there? I don't hear anyone but you, and I have better things to do with my time than talk to you, Ms. Writer Fancy-Pants Who Left My Important Scenes On the Cutting Room Floor.

SARAH: Just go ahead, Goldie. Introduce yourself.

GOLDIE: Very well. I am Goldie, short for Goldilocks. I am the star of INTO THE WILD... Okay, I am one of the stars... I play a vital role! Vital! I am not in any way, shape, or form minor!

SARAH: Actually, you do look young.

GOLDIE: Thank you. It's the dimples. And the liberal application of nightly facial creams.

SARAH: Even so, you are over five hundred years...

GOLDIE: Shush! A lady never reveals her age. But yes, I have honed my wisdom, wit, and keen fashion sense over the past several centuries. One of the things that you will notice about me immediately is that I have exquisite taste. Perhaps in a future guest spot I can give you a tour of my house? Do you think your readers would be interested in that? Of course they would. They are clearly people of fine taste. I'll hire Snow to clean. Oh, and Ursa can prepare her cinnamon porridge... You haven't lived until you've tasted her porridge. It's just right.

SARAH: That would be nice. But now, please tell us about yourself. I'm sure people would like to hear your fairy tale in your own words.

GOLDIE: Why don't you ask me something else? Don't you want to know my favorite color? Pink. It looks lovely with my golden curls. Favorite TV show? American Idol. (If it weren't for the age limit -- and the need to keep my existence a secret -- I would be the star of every season.) Favorite food? Steak. Hah! I'm such a wit. Of course my signature dish is porridge. Everyone needs a signature dish...

SARAH: Your story, please, Goldie.

[long pause]

GOLDIE: Once upon a time, a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, perfect little girl with golden ringlets went for a walk in the woods. She came upon a picturesque cottage with a sign on it that said, "Welcome, Goldilocks!" so she went inside. In the kitchen, she found four bowls of porridge. Each bowl had a name on it: Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear, and Goldilocks. She ate the porridge in the bowl with her name on it. After eating, she felt tired so she went into the bedroom where she found four beds. The fourth bed had extra pillows and a note that said, "Sleep tight, Goldilocks!" So she climbed into the bed and fell asleep. When she woke, the bears were home. They greeted her warmly, popped some popcorn, and invited her to join them in watching that night's episode of "American Idol."

SARAH: Did the cottage really have a sign on the door?

GOLDIE: No. No, it didn't.

SARAH: And were there really four bowls?

GOLDIE: No. There were only three. One for each bear. I ate Baby Bear's porridge.

SARAH: And the beds?

GOLDIE: Three. Just three. I slept in Baby Bear's bed.

SARAH: And what happened when the bears came home?

GOLDIE: They... they... I have to go. I left my curling iron on at home. I have to... I... I don't want to talk about this. I should never have agreed to this interview. You tricked me. We're supposed to talk about how I'm the star! I'm supposed to be the star!

[loud footsteps and a door slam]

SARAH: Um... Goldie?

Brotherhood Pig.0 - Bricks

Today marks the third and final day of my favor to the Three Little Pigs (or as they've started calling themselves, the TLP Posse). As loyal readers know, I've agreed to let this porcine trio take over my blog for the past few days so they can present their homage to John Green and Hank Green's Brotherhood 2.0. We've already heard from Straw and Sticks. Today, it's their brother Bricks's turn.

Three Brothers, One Blog
3 Days of Text-Full Communication
It's a whole new kind of brotherhood.
Brotherhood Pig.0

Good morning, Sticks. Good morning, Straw. It's Wednesday, May 2. Sticks, I saw your post about your fungus "perfume." Really, sometimes I do understand why we pigs have reputations as filthy animals. Sticks old boy, might I suggest a nice cleansing swim in my pool? Or a soak in my jacuzzi?

The jacuzzi had been out of commision for a while. But I thought of a brilliant solution while waiting for my new hot water heater to arrive. Use the fireplace! I have this lovely marble fireplace that has been merely decorative for years. So I thought to myself, Bricks you scallywag, why not light a nice blazing fire in your fireplace and heat up water in a large pot?

It's a brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. It serves multiple purposes: it will heat my jacuzzi, it will create a nice fireside ambiance for the visiting sows, and it will ward off that awful chill from the wind that keeps huffing and puffing outside.

Why don't you two come visit tomorrow? I've invited some of the lady pork-fighters over, and while I'm one charming pig, sometimes there's just not enough of me to go around.

Hmmm... The wind's finally died down. And there's a lovely lupine aroma coming from the fireplace. Perhaps one of the sows is making me a stew. Must investigate.

Straw, Sticks, it's been a pleasure talking to you. Hope to see you tomorrow. Mmmm... This stew is made of awesome, if a bit gamey.

Brotherhood Pig.0 - Sticks

As those of you who read yesterday's blog know, as a favor to some of my fairy-tale character friends, I've turned this blog over to a certain porcine trio for a few days, so they can present their homage to John Green and Hank Green's Brotherhood 2.0. Yesterday we heard from Straw. Today, his brother Sticks...

Three Brothers, One Blog
3 Days of Text-Full Communication
It's a whole new kind of brotherhood.
Brotherhood Pig.0

Good Morning, Straw. Good Morning, Bricks. It's Tuesday, May 1. Recently, it came to my attention that everything is funnier if you add the phrase "in your snout" to the end of it. Think about it: "Charlotte's Web in Your Snout," "Green Acres in Your Snout," and my personal favorite "Babe in Your Snout."

There's just something inherently funny about snouts.

Especially yours, Bricks.

Did you know that only girl-pigs can sniff out truffles with their snouts? Apparently, truffles smell like boy-pigs. Girl-pigs go nuts for the scent, track it all over the forest, and then dig up a mushroom. Must be rather disappointing.

Anyway, this has led me to the following thought: if mushrooms attract the ladies, then all I need to do to find a girlfriend is smear myself with fungus. Luckily, there's a lot of fungus here, due to the fact that my stick house has partially molded.

I'm also in the middle of a rather nasty termite problem. Those buggers are eating me out of house and home. If this gets much worse, I'm going to have to seriously think about moving. Maybe someplace where even termites won't tread, like Indianapolis...

There is a side benefit to the shoddy craftsmanship of my humble abode: the mold only grows on the north side of the house, so it's like always having a compass handy. The termites and I know at a glance which way the wind is blowing.

Speaking of wind, are we having some kind of Noreaster? This place just got a whole lot draftier...

Straw, Bricks, I'll see you tomorrow. In your snout.

Brotherhood Pig.0 - Straw

One of the best things about having written a fairy-tale-based novel is that I get to meet fairy-tale characters all the time. Oh, yes, it's true. They come over, tell me their stories, we have tea, it's all very nice. But lately, as the release date for INTO THE WILD has gotten closer, some of them have gotten a bit pushy, started asking for favors. And hey, I owe these characters, so I'm happy to oblige.

Just last week, I was contacted by a famous porcine trio. They explained that they are big fans of John Green and Hank Green's video blog, Brotherhood 2.0, and that they wanted to use Sarah's Journal as a platform for their own experiment in video blogging. Unfortunately, pigs have some difficultly operating video cameras, so the three brothers have elected to do their blog in text instead. Anyway, without further ado, I'm proud to present Brotherhood Pig.0. Today, we'll hear from Straw. Tuesday and Wednesday, Sticks and Bricks.

Three Brothers, One Blog
3 Days of Text-Full Communication
It's a whole new kind of brotherhood.
Brotherhood Pig.0

Good morning, Sticks. Good morning, Bricks. It's Monday, April 30, and today I am thinking about horses. Now, you know me, and you know I am a friend to all domesticated farm animals, be they porcine, bovine, or equine. But lately, I have been wondering if horses could benefit from a new type of food. Specifically, not hay, which as I'm sure you've noticed, closely resembles straw.

Yes, that's right. I am having a little equine problem here. I lost my front porch to a peckish filly yesterday.

As you both know, I am very proud of my house. It's environmentally friendly. Carbon-neutral, in fact. And it's rather unique. You don't see thatching like this outside of England. Do you have any idea how many hours of work it took to thatch the roof of that porch without the benefit of opposable thumbs?

Speaking of thatching, did you know that... Did the wind just pick up? Hold on a minute while I close the window... What the...

OK, Sticks, Bricks, fellow pork-fighters... You aren't going to believe this, but there's a big hairy dude outside and... This is seriously not cool. He's totally adding to the level of carbon dioxide around here. Definitely increasing WorldPuff.

I think he just called me "little piggy."

Hey, furball, I do not say "wee, wee, wee" all the way home! I am a mature swine, thank you! Did that horse send you?

Whoa, watch the thatching!

Sticks, Bricks, I'll see you tomorrow.