Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Guest Blogger: Goldilocks

I'd like to introduce today's guest blogger: Goldie, one of the minor characters from INTO THE WILD, best known for her role in the well-known fairy tale "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." She's joining us today from her home in Northboro, Massachusetts. Welcome, Goldie!

GOLDIE: Minor? Minor!?! Of all the... Is this mic on? Can you hear me? Hello? La-la-la-la-la, me-me-me-me-me!

SARAH: We can hear you, Goldie. I'm transcribing your words as you speak.

GOLDIE: Oh. Splendid. Hello, my beautiful public! Kisses to you all! I'm... Are you sure there's anyone out there? I don't hear anyone but you, and I have better things to do with my time than talk to you, Ms. Writer Fancy-Pants Who Left My Important Scenes On the Cutting Room Floor.

SARAH: Just go ahead, Goldie. Introduce yourself.

GOLDIE: Very well. I am Goldie, short for Goldilocks. I am the star of INTO THE WILD... Okay, I am one of the stars... I play a vital role! Vital! I am not in any way, shape, or form minor!

SARAH: Actually, you do look young.

GOLDIE: Thank you. It's the dimples. And the liberal application of nightly facial creams.

SARAH: Even so, you are over five hundred years...

GOLDIE: Shush! A lady never reveals her age. But yes, I have honed my wisdom, wit, and keen fashion sense over the past several centuries. One of the things that you will notice about me immediately is that I have exquisite taste. Perhaps in a future guest spot I can give you a tour of my house? Do you think your readers would be interested in that? Of course they would. They are clearly people of fine taste. I'll hire Snow to clean. Oh, and Ursa can prepare her cinnamon porridge... You haven't lived until you've tasted her porridge. It's just right.

SARAH: That would be nice. But now, please tell us about yourself. I'm sure people would like to hear your fairy tale in your own words.

GOLDIE: Why don't you ask me something else? Don't you want to know my favorite color? Pink. It looks lovely with my golden curls. Favorite TV show? American Idol. (If it weren't for the age limit -- and the need to keep my existence a secret -- I would be the star of every season.) Favorite food? Steak. Hah! I'm such a wit. Of course my signature dish is porridge. Everyone needs a signature dish...

SARAH: Your story, please, Goldie.

[long pause]

GOLDIE: Once upon a time, a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, perfect little girl with golden ringlets went for a walk in the woods. She came upon a picturesque cottage with a sign on it that said, "Welcome, Goldilocks!" so she went inside. In the kitchen, she found four bowls of porridge. Each bowl had a name on it: Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear, and Goldilocks. She ate the porridge in the bowl with her name on it. After eating, she felt tired so she went into the bedroom where she found four beds. The fourth bed had extra pillows and a note that said, "Sleep tight, Goldilocks!" So she climbed into the bed and fell asleep. When she woke, the bears were home. They greeted her warmly, popped some popcorn, and invited her to join them in watching that night's episode of "American Idol."

SARAH: Did the cottage really have a sign on the door?

GOLDIE: No. No, it didn't.

SARAH: And were there really four bowls?

GOLDIE: No. There were only three. One for each bear. I ate Baby Bear's porridge.

SARAH: And the beds?

GOLDIE: Three. Just three. I slept in Baby Bear's bed.

SARAH: And what happened when the bears came home?

GOLDIE: They... they... I have to go. I left my curling iron on at home. I have to... I... I don't want to talk about this. I should never have agreed to this interview. You tricked me. We're supposed to talk about how I'm the star! I'm supposed to be the star!

[loud footsteps and a door slam]

SARAH: Um... Goldie?

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12 Comments:

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous h. said...

Ah, but you didn't ask her why she grew up... The other Ever After characters remained the same age they were in the story.. in appearance anyway. But Goldy is a little girl in her story, and an adult in this story. Why didn't she stay little? Does she regret growing up? She would, after all, be much better able to get her own way via temper tantrums as a child.... adults who lay on the ground and flail about tend to end up in lock down at the psych ward.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Faith said...

You crack me up!! :)

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Erin said...

THAT WAS HILARIOUS. I loved it!!

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger Sarah Beth Durst said...

H: Actually, though Goldie is Zel's friend and is chronologically and emotionally older in Into the Wild, she does still look like a young girl. This bothers her quite a bit and is one of the reasons why she is so obsessed with her appearance. This does cause problems for her in the real world, but I didn't go into the details in the book since she is a rather minor character (but please don't tell her I said so!!!).

FAITH and ERIN: Hee-hee-hee... So glad you liked it! Twas fun to write. Look out for more "guest bloggers" coming soon!

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger Sookie said...

Oh, Goldie it'll be alright. Bears don't live in cottages anymore--mostly in hunter-protected forests and National Parks. Porridge is for the humans these days. No need to be upset!
(*laughs*, this was really funny! great job!Can't wait for the next guest blogger!)

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Sarah Beth Durst said...

Thanks, Sookie! Goldie appreciates your kind words.

 
At 2:22 PM, Blogger what'sinyoursoul said...

Sarah, you are hilarious! Dh and I just watched Into the Woods last night (he was The Mysterious Man in his high school production), and I can't stop thinking how your book would make an outstanding stage production.

Holly

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger Sarah Beth Durst said...

Thanks, Holly! I did do a ton of theatre in high school and college. It's kind of embarrassing that I now live a train-ride away from NYC and I haven't been to a Broadway show in years... Of course, I haven't been to the movies in months either, and that doesn't even require a train to get to.

 
At 2:08 AM, Anonymous Sven said...

Good Job! :)

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Sarah Beth Durst said...

Thanks so much, Sven!

 
At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

emm. thank you for this ))

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Laura said...

LOL that was SOOO funny XD

 

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