Annie Tells Me About Squirrels

Annie is a fictional character who visits me sometimes. She lives in a deadly forest with killer squirrels. I made the critical error of asking her about the squirrels. You should never ask an imaginary person to tell you about anything, especially if you are trying to concentrate on writing a chapter that has absolutely nothing to do with rodents, homicidal or otherwise.

So far, after half an hour, all I've written is two sentences of my work-in-progress, and all I've learned is that the squirrels make cute, chittering sounds before they drop out of the trees on their victims' heads. She demonstrated this sound for a solid twenty minutes before I finally convinced her to stop.

"That's why I have antlers," Annie says. "Any killer squirrel that drops on me will find itself impaled." Annie has a pair of deer antlers growing out of the top of her head. She wears her hair in pig tails around them. Very stylish.

"So you're telling me your horns--"

"Antlers," she says primly.

"Your antlers are natural selection to protect against killer squirrels?" I know I shouldn't be encouraging her, but I can't help myself.

"Yep," she says. She crunches on a tortilla chip. "Hey, do you have any salsa? These would go great with salsa. Maybe some guacamole. I loooove avocado."

"I don't have any," I say. "What happens to people without antlers?" I self-consciously touch the top of my own head and imagine it has a squirrel-size bullseye on top.

"Oh, the squirrels horde human heads for the winter."

On that note, she hops off my desk and heads off in search of salsa and guacamole. And I am left with a new fear of squirrels. Luckily, I haven't completed my writing quota for the day, so I won't have to go outside and face the vile creatures. I am safe... at least until she returns.