Guest Blogger: Goldilocks

I'd like to introduce today's guest blogger: Goldie, one of the minor characters from INTO THE WILD, best known for her role in the well-known fairy tale "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." She's joining us today from her home in Northboro, Massachusetts. Welcome, Goldie!

GOLDIE: Minor? Minor!?! Of all the... Is this mic on? Can you hear me? Hello? La-la-la-la-la, me-me-me-me-me!

SARAH: We can hear you, Goldie. I'm transcribing your words as you speak.

GOLDIE: Oh. Splendid. Hello, my beautiful public! Kisses to you all! I'm... Are you sure there's anyone out there? I don't hear anyone but you, and I have better things to do with my time than talk to you, Ms. Writer Fancy-Pants Who Left My Important Scenes On the Cutting Room Floor.

SARAH: Just go ahead, Goldie. Introduce yourself.

GOLDIE: Very well. I am Goldie, short for Goldilocks. I am the star of INTO THE WILD... Okay, I am one of the stars... I play a vital role! Vital! I am not in any way, shape, or form minor!

SARAH: Actually, you do look young.

GOLDIE: Thank you. It's the dimples. And the liberal application of nightly facial creams.

SARAH: Even so, you are over five hundred years...

GOLDIE: Shush! A lady never reveals her age. But yes, I have honed my wisdom, wit, and keen fashion sense over the past several centuries. One of the things that you will notice about me immediately is that I have exquisite taste. Perhaps in a future guest spot I can give you a tour of my house? Do you think your readers would be interested in that? Of course they would. They are clearly people of fine taste. I'll hire Snow to clean. Oh, and Ursa can prepare her cinnamon porridge... You haven't lived until you've tasted her porridge. It's just right.

SARAH: That would be nice. But now, please tell us about yourself. I'm sure people would like to hear your fairy tale in your own words.

GOLDIE: Why don't you ask me something else? Don't you want to know my favorite color? Pink. It looks lovely with my golden curls. Favorite TV show? American Idol. (If it weren't for the age limit -- and the need to keep my existence a secret -- I would be the star of every season.) Favorite food? Steak. Hah! I'm such a wit. Of course my signature dish is porridge. Everyone needs a signature dish...

SARAH: Your story, please, Goldie.

[long pause]

GOLDIE: Once upon a time, a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, perfect little girl with golden ringlets went for a walk in the woods. She came upon a picturesque cottage with a sign on it that said, "Welcome, Goldilocks!" so she went inside. In the kitchen, she found four bowls of porridge. Each bowl had a name on it: Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear, and Goldilocks. She ate the porridge in the bowl with her name on it. After eating, she felt tired so she went into the bedroom where she found four beds. The fourth bed had extra pillows and a note that said, "Sleep tight, Goldilocks!" So she climbed into the bed and fell asleep. When she woke, the bears were home. They greeted her warmly, popped some popcorn, and invited her to join them in watching that night's episode of "American Idol."

SARAH: Did the cottage really have a sign on the door?

GOLDIE: No. No, it didn't.

SARAH: And were there really four bowls?

GOLDIE: No. There were only three. One for each bear. I ate Baby Bear's porridge.

SARAH: And the beds?

GOLDIE: Three. Just three. I slept in Baby Bear's bed.

SARAH: And what happened when the bears came home?

GOLDIE: They... they... I have to go. I left my curling iron on at home. I have to... I... I don't want to talk about this. I should never have agreed to this interview. You tricked me. We're supposed to talk about how I'm the star! I'm supposed to be the star!

[loud footsteps and a door slam]

SARAH: Um... Goldie?